So very hard

First, a warning. I don't know when I am going to be okay again. Well, I guess I am okay, but I don't know when I'll be happy, cheerful, energetic again. My mom passing away has been the hardest thing I have gone through so far. The timing, for me, STINKS!

I keep finding myself saying "That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do." Then I keep proving that wrong. The first hardest thing was the phone call I got telling me that my mom had died. The next flying to Seattle knowing it wasn't to see her again (alive anyway). Then hearing from one of my mom's co-workers about what actually happened. Next, meeting with the HR benefits worker at the hospital and talking about things like life insurance, retirement, 403b's, etc. Another hard thing was talking with the Chaplain who had worked with my mom for years. Picking music for the funeral, picking an outfit, calling my mom's friends who were far away and some of them very sick themselves, signing papers at the funeral home, going into my mom's house. Perry saying "Bye, Umpa (grandma)" as we left the funeral home for the last time. The list goes on and on. And it isn't getting easier. I also keep thinking I did this just about a year ago for another mom. I now think I hate riding the ferry, because the last two times I've ridden one, it was after saying goodbye to two wonderful moms. I selfishly hope to get over this dislike of the ferry, because they really are beautiful rides.

I have so many people praying for me and looking out for me. I know that I am not alone. But something keeps trying to make me feel like I am alone. I just tell that voice/thought that it is ridiculous. I have had people making sure I ate, slept, am able to take care of the kids. I have had people babysitting, cooking, cleaning for us. I have had countless hugs and words of condolence and support and love. I have so many people to thank, some who I don't even know who helped me out. I am not alone. But it is still hard. Today, I am just thinking that I should have talked to my mom recently. Every third call or so on my caller ID says "Grandma Julie." Both the cell phone and home phone. The worst times of day are the middle of the night when the baby wakes and shower time. I love shower time normally. It is my alone time. Being alone isn't fun right now though.

I can't help feeling lost, though not spiritually, thankfully. Spiritually, I have been ok. I have beent thinking about the Savior in Gethsemane and the disciples watching with him. That was what I kept thinking about as I sat at the viewing for five hours. I keep thinking about Job. I've never liked the story of Job, but I do respect it. And I keep thinking about Elder Bednar's talk on Tender Mercies. I need to go reread that. I have had so many tender mercies show to me.

My mom was going to retire in a couple of years. Then she was going to come live with me. I was going to help take care of her and she would be with her grandkids most of the time. We would occasionally drive each other crazy, but it would have been worth it. She didn't like to rush and I usually have a timed schedule. She folded laundry different than me, which always surprised me because isn't she the one who taught me to fold laundry? She cooked different than me, which the kids teased her about the whole month she was here to help out (didn't she teach me to cook too, well, sort of)? My mom also liked to hide my kitchen gadgets. Okay, it wasn't on purpose, but I always found stuff after she left in the wrong spots and would just shake my head and say "Grandma!" My mom always knew when parenting was getting hard (i.e. I was screwing up) and she would just tell me that I was doing a wonderful job. AND SHE BELIEVED IT! She read my blog too. So many things to miss.

I wasn't able to speak at the funeral. I had the chance, but didn't know where to start. She was a wonderful nurse, mom, and person. She always was thinking of other people and often buying gifts (which is amazing considering she didn't like to shop.) She spoiled the kids rotten! Which made Perry's birthday yesterday a bit hard. I didn't know if I should buy a big, obnoxious present and say it was from her, or just let this be the first time without a gift from her. I always told my mom she could buy the kids whatever she wanted (Grandma's rights and all), but to please buy storage for it too. She never did buy storage buckets. She once bought one of the kids a Geotrack airport/city thing. It's huge. No storage.

I'll probably blog more memories later. I'll try to focus on the happy ones. I still don't fully believe this has happened. There is a psychology model of grief by someone named Kubler-Ross (I believe) that talks about five stages of grieving. Not in order, they are something like, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I bounce between them all a million times a day. Well, except anger. There isn't much to be angry about. When it's our time, it's our time and anger can't change that. I would do a whole lot of things to bring her back if I could and I thought it was the right thing to do. Like I said earlier, there are still times it doesn't seem real. I know I'm sad about it and still don't fully believe it. But I'm not angry. She wouldn't want that. She would have some funny quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer about all this. I took all her CD's from him for memories. I'd better tell my brother, though I don't think he'll mind.

"You may be right. I may be crazy."

"But it just might be a lunatic your looking for."-Billy Joel

Well, there has been more medical stuff going on here. First, I had a post-partum depression questionnaire given to me and I did not pass. I always pass tests. I'm an A student. Maybe I forgot to study? I don't tell you this because I am worried, but I did think some of the questions leading. The questions always referred to the last seven days. I will type a few of them and see what you all think.

In the past seven days, have you taken blame for things you shouldn't have(paraphrased)? Well, I wouldn't take blame unless I thought I needed it! AND it really is sad when you send one child to school without a coat (because we were late and didn't realize he probably needed one until we got to the bus stop and then we figured "Oh, well, he doesn't play outside because he is a kindergartener") and the teacher finds a coat to send him home with.

In the past seven days, have you found things:
More funny than usual
The same
Less funny than usual?
Can I help it if I don't find midnight spewing, missing homework, undone chores, etc. funny? And what if I do decide after eight days that the midnight spewing was quite impressive and kind of funny? Well, that leads us to medical issue number two. At first, I wasn't concerned about the baby spitting up. All babies do it, right? And we have a lovely nephew who could really spew when he was little and our baby wasn't quite that bad. But we decided to visit with the Pediatrician. I went in thinking it was just acid reflux, but just in case, Adam had an ultra-sound to rule out pyloric stenosis. We are thrilled to report that it appears negative for the pyloric stenosis, which would have required surgery (though there is a small chance we caught it really early and it just didn't show up on the imaging yet.) So, we are treating Adam for reflux for a week, to see if things get better. If they do get better, then he just has to take some prevacid every day. If, after a week, he isn't better, then more tests. The best news is, after ONE DAY, I think I see an improvement. He still spits a little, but it isn't curdled (TMI-sorry), it seems to be an appropriate amount (I'm not changing his outfit, my outfit, and calling in carpet cleaners anymore), and he can go back to sleep after eating! And I think this will help me pass my next post-partum test because maybe I can sleep now. We feel relieved and blessed and thrilled that we are taking care of business. By the way, I want to know if all moms are afraid that their kids' doctor will think they are overly caution and concerned when they take their kids to the doctor? I always worry that the doctor is going to think I am making stuff up or exaggerating or just don't know what is normal. But the doctors we have had always listen to me and usually agree that something isn't quite right. So why do I worry? Because it's a talent!

We had a visit from Grandpa this past weekend for the baby blessing. It was amazing, but the kids (Perry especially) took right to Grandpa Thornley. They knew exactly what to do with Grandpa from the moment he walked in the door. I think partly due to a previous month long visit with Grandma Julie. I forgot to mention that while Grandma Julie was here, Perry gave her the nickname "Umpa." He had previously called her "GRRRRR ANDma." But this time, always with a twinkle in his eye and a sly smile, he called her "Umpa." Even when we corrected him. It was cute.

The last interesting thing that I can think of is the singing going on in our house. The favorite seems to be "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission." Parker and Peter know the whole song. We had a FHE on leading music though, so there is lots of emphasis on the words that occur on the down beat. Which explains why Perry sings "Hope, Mission, Grow, Hope, Ready, Work, Do!" It's super cute, but my words aren't really doing it justice. We also have a new favorite book in our house and it isn't a train book! It's "We're Going On A Bear Hunt." Everyone can read/recite it, except for Adam. We have to act/sign parts of it and it is ofter read more than once a day. At first, the feeling is AGAIN? But the kids like is so much, it's easy to get into anyway.

I hope you all are well and good. Thanks for caring enough to read really long blog entries with no pictures and not always sunny news.

Licious

Let's see how fun it is to write and read a blog posted from the sleep deprived!

First of all, I have to tell you all about a weird theory I have had for many years. And that is that I believe most people who commit murder, especially serial killers, are sleep deprived! When you don't get enough sleep logic goes out the window. Sequencing goes too. "Oh, I need to eat THEN brush my teeth." You can't remember why you walked into a room. Consequences?? "You mean, if I stay up to finish that load of laundry, which takes about fifteen minutes, and my baby only sleeps fifteen minutes, but I wasted five of those making sure he was truly asleep, then not only do I have to finish the laundry with the baby crying, but I also lost out on one chance to sleep myself?" Anyway, that's what I think. So kids, the moral of the story is LET YOUR MOM NAP once in awhile. The other alternative isn't great for you longevity.

Perry has been very cute with Adam, a blessing we weren't anticipating. He likes to rub the baby's head, shake hands with the baby and always makes sure mom knows "Baby spilt!" Toddler speak for spit up. He has also taken to answering the phone (a no-no, but what can mom do?)when mom is nursing. At which point, Peter takes up being cute and tells whoever is on the phone "Mom is busy milking the baby." There is no privacy I tell you. And what can I do about the phone? We put a chain lock on the front door because even though answering the door without mom or dad is a no-no, it still happened. Do they have chain locks for phones? A little off track, but one of the other cute things Perry is saying these days is "Icious," short for delicious. Sometimes it's "licious" too. His favorite Christmas present I think was his smashing new tricycle (we'll see if I actually post pictures.)


Peter has made it to the bus stop in time everyday. It takes about twenty minutes of preparation, but that's how it is getting done. I think he is glad to be back to his routine. He's still super cute with his speaking too. My favorite is when he says something British (from watching too much Wallace and Gromit.) I can't think of anything right now to quote though. He does use the word "certainly" a lot and it's cute. He also constantly read food labels and wants to be on The Biggest Loser when he grows up. We have suggested that he goes on as a trainer, which is more in harmony with his nutrition interests, not a contestant. What do you call a person who takes advantage of a situation like this? Oh, yeah, Parents! We use his interest in nutrition to get us through meal times and new foods. :) His favorite Christmas present was either the balloon rockets or his Scaredy Squirrel books. If you haven't made the acquaintace of Scaredy, we would love to introduce you.


Parker is such a help, mostly, at odd times, when the moon is aligned right, if you cross your fingers, etc. He, too, I think is glad for his routine. Though he misses grandma, I think. And all the Christmas cards from Nampa made him homesick. Over Christmas, Parker read the whole "39 Clues" series and I think about three of the Narnia books. I don't know what he liked best for Christmas. I am attributing this to male stoicism, possibly pre-teen silence.

Randal and I are doing as good as can be expected. We feel like two ships passing in the night. We don't always know who has the baby, when the kids last bathed, what day it is, etc. The great news is this makes everything so much funnier than it used to be. Last night, we caught a bit of Jay Leno while doing the laundry. At one point, we started laughing about Jay dressed up like Susan Boyle on Brittian's Got Talent and couldn't stop when we normally would have stopped laughing. Seriously, it was like about five minutes of laughter. For those of you who have never heard my favorite Pollock joke, stay up really late with me one night, and it will seriously be the funniest joke you ever heard. I may someday post these horrible pictures we have of me telling the joke really late one night.

Such a long post, I apologize. It was just fun adult time and hopefully allays, weight lays, whatever, any worries you may have had about how we are doing. Love and miss you all!