So very hard

First, a warning. I don't know when I am going to be okay again. Well, I guess I am okay, but I don't know when I'll be happy, cheerful, energetic again. My mom passing away has been the hardest thing I have gone through so far. The timing, for me, STINKS!

I keep finding myself saying "That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do." Then I keep proving that wrong. The first hardest thing was the phone call I got telling me that my mom had died. The next flying to Seattle knowing it wasn't to see her again (alive anyway). Then hearing from one of my mom's co-workers about what actually happened. Next, meeting with the HR benefits worker at the hospital and talking about things like life insurance, retirement, 403b's, etc. Another hard thing was talking with the Chaplain who had worked with my mom for years. Picking music for the funeral, picking an outfit, calling my mom's friends who were far away and some of them very sick themselves, signing papers at the funeral home, going into my mom's house. Perry saying "Bye, Umpa (grandma)" as we left the funeral home for the last time. The list goes on and on. And it isn't getting easier. I also keep thinking I did this just about a year ago for another mom. I now think I hate riding the ferry, because the last two times I've ridden one, it was after saying goodbye to two wonderful moms. I selfishly hope to get over this dislike of the ferry, because they really are beautiful rides.

I have so many people praying for me and looking out for me. I know that I am not alone. But something keeps trying to make me feel like I am alone. I just tell that voice/thought that it is ridiculous. I have had people making sure I ate, slept, am able to take care of the kids. I have had people babysitting, cooking, cleaning for us. I have had countless hugs and words of condolence and support and love. I have so many people to thank, some who I don't even know who helped me out. I am not alone. But it is still hard. Today, I am just thinking that I should have talked to my mom recently. Every third call or so on my caller ID says "Grandma Julie." Both the cell phone and home phone. The worst times of day are the middle of the night when the baby wakes and shower time. I love shower time normally. It is my alone time. Being alone isn't fun right now though.

I can't help feeling lost, though not spiritually, thankfully. Spiritually, I have been ok. I have beent thinking about the Savior in Gethsemane and the disciples watching with him. That was what I kept thinking about as I sat at the viewing for five hours. I keep thinking about Job. I've never liked the story of Job, but I do respect it. And I keep thinking about Elder Bednar's talk on Tender Mercies. I need to go reread that. I have had so many tender mercies show to me.

My mom was going to retire in a couple of years. Then she was going to come live with me. I was going to help take care of her and she would be with her grandkids most of the time. We would occasionally drive each other crazy, but it would have been worth it. She didn't like to rush and I usually have a timed schedule. She folded laundry different than me, which always surprised me because isn't she the one who taught me to fold laundry? She cooked different than me, which the kids teased her about the whole month she was here to help out (didn't she teach me to cook too, well, sort of)? My mom also liked to hide my kitchen gadgets. Okay, it wasn't on purpose, but I always found stuff after she left in the wrong spots and would just shake my head and say "Grandma!" My mom always knew when parenting was getting hard (i.e. I was screwing up) and she would just tell me that I was doing a wonderful job. AND SHE BELIEVED IT! She read my blog too. So many things to miss.

I wasn't able to speak at the funeral. I had the chance, but didn't know where to start. She was a wonderful nurse, mom, and person. She always was thinking of other people and often buying gifts (which is amazing considering she didn't like to shop.) She spoiled the kids rotten! Which made Perry's birthday yesterday a bit hard. I didn't know if I should buy a big, obnoxious present and say it was from her, or just let this be the first time without a gift from her. I always told my mom she could buy the kids whatever she wanted (Grandma's rights and all), but to please buy storage for it too. She never did buy storage buckets. She once bought one of the kids a Geotrack airport/city thing. It's huge. No storage.

I'll probably blog more memories later. I'll try to focus on the happy ones. I still don't fully believe this has happened. There is a psychology model of grief by someone named Kubler-Ross (I believe) that talks about five stages of grieving. Not in order, they are something like, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I bounce between them all a million times a day. Well, except anger. There isn't much to be angry about. When it's our time, it's our time and anger can't change that. I would do a whole lot of things to bring her back if I could and I thought it was the right thing to do. Like I said earlier, there are still times it doesn't seem real. I know I'm sad about it and still don't fully believe it. But I'm not angry. She wouldn't want that. She would have some funny quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer about all this. I took all her CD's from him for memories. I'd better tell my brother, though I don't think he'll mind.